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It's simple.

We help someone and we immediately feel good.

We want to help others because it immediately allows us to feel needed.

"I helped Tim which obviously means I'm a good person"

We all want to see ourselves as good people. 

In reality, this is just an expression of people pleasing.

I used to be the helper. I genuinely helped and THOUGHT that my unsolicited advice was doing good.

The reality: unsolicited advice guy sucks.

Michael Neil gives two powerful examples of the helping epidemic. 

  1. It's the same thing as a four year old that 'helped' set the table but actually messed it up even worse which caused you to do more work. The four year old goes back to his room feeling great after he 'helped' even though he actually made it worse.
  2. It crushes the genius of the other person. Imagine being in the car with a friend and having the world's best GPS in your hand telling you exactly where to go. You look down at this piece of technology then your friend turns to you and starts telling you the wrong directions. The point is that we all have the right answer within us and the unsolicited advice is actually making us doubt our innate wisdom. 

Many men suffer from people pleasing and as we continue on this journey we will talk about how to eradicate this neediness completely from your system. 

Helping others, doesn't actually help others.

Being with someone, empathizing (watch this video) is the actual help. 

Handing out unsolicited advice as if you were spiderman isn't the way to go.

That guy sucks.

He actually is making it worse for everyone despite his possible noble intentions.

The Solution

Empathize.

Be with them.

Hold a non-judgmental space for them to express their feelings.

Hold back that advice at all costs and just sit with them.

Ask follow up questions with curiosity.

Don't go immediately to the positive 'well it could have been worse'.

Watch in shock at how their inner GPS immediately comes up and shows them an insight.

If and ONLY after you have held space, and have been specifically asked for help...

Then you can talk from personal experience. Tell a story. Send them love.

Don't be unsolicited advice guy.

Don't be that guy.

See you in volume two. 


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Daniel

Daniel Karan is an expert at helping clients develop the courage required to live extraordinary lives. He is the founder of the Bold Wolves Project for High-Performing Introverts. His main disciplines have been a cocktail of personality, social and behavioral psychology. His big picture is to inspire 100,000 humans to sing their song…loudly.